Attachment Styles - What Are They And How Do They Impact Your Relationships?

Do you find yourself making the same mistakes in your relationships? No matter how different your circumstances or the person you’re with, do you find the same obstacles keep presenting themselves?  It could all be down to your attachment style.

What is Attachment Theory?

As children, we develop an attachment to our caregivers, which often colors our adult relationships. This attachment style impacts how we relate to those closest to us and heavily influences how healthy our relationships are.

The 4 attachment styles

According to Attachment Theory, there are 4 main attachment types:

• Fearful-Avoidant
• Anxious-Preoccupied
• Dismissive-Avoidant
• Secure

Read on to discover the key characteristics of attachment styles to help determine which is yours.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

Characterized by a deep need for affection but also avoiding it at all costs.

You may be Fearful-Avoidant, if:

• You long for a relationship but also fear being hurt, rejected, or abandoned by a partner.
• You tend to have volatile, emotionally charged relationships.
• You crave intimacy but also fear it deeply.
• You end relationships or budding romances before you “get in too deep,” because you believe you will end up getting hurt if it continues.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Thoughts and actions in relationships are largely dominated by the anxiety that a partner is going to leave.

Signs you may be Anxious-Preoccupied include:

• You don’t need time away from your partner. In fact, the more time you spend together, the better.
• If you don’t hear from your partner when you expect to, you’re quick to jump into panic mode that they’ve lost interest in you, are avoiding you, or are angry with you.
• You live in constant fear that your partner is going to leave you – you may even dream about it.
• You believe your partner is “out of your league,” and struggle with feelings of low self-worth. (For help on improving your sense of self-worth, read our guide on How To Love Yourself Unconditionally.)

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

Described as lacking the interest to form or nurture close bonds, placing minimal value on intimate relationships.

Signs of Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment are:

• You’re often described as a “lone wolf,” strongly preferring to spend time alone.
• You tend not to prioritize relationships and take little interest in dating, gladly putting other things ahead of your love life.
• You are incredibly self-sufficient and don’t like to rely on others.
• You fear a loss of independence and freedom in a relationship.

Secure

Clearly able to communicate their needs and wants to their partner, able to comfortably be apart from them, but value their time together for a healthy balance.

You’re likely Secure if you:

• Don’t worry if you haven’t heard from your partner for a while, you know they’ll contact you as soon as they’re able to.
• Enjoy spending quality time with your partner, but also value having time to dedicate to your own interests and friendships.
• Don’t avoid conflict, preferring to tackle difficult conversations openly and calmly, and don’t like to sleep on an argument.
• Are often described as a “relationship guru,” by your friends, always able to provide advice and guidance in their romantic struggles.

For more help on determining your attachment style, take this quiz from Psychology Today.

Why is attachment style important?

Attachment style is important as when you know what yours is, you can understand the challenges you may face, not only in your romantic relationships but also in your close friendships and family connections.

Knowing why you behave, think, or feel in a certain way is incredibly empowering and liberating. It allows you to be better equipped to notice when you’re slipping into self-sabotaging behaviors due to your attachment fears and anxieties.

When you understand your behavior, you are halfway to changing it in a positive way.

Whether you’re in a relationship or seeking one, knowing how you relate to others and the obstacles you could potentially face due to attachment styles allows you to put strategies in place to help you navigate them.

Making sure you and your partner are fully clued up on each other’s attachment styles will go a long way to helping you understand each other and overcome any tensions or conflicts effectively.

Remember…

Attachment styles are developed in childhood. You weren’t born with it, which means you can change it. There’s no need to feel resentful of Secure people – it’s something we can all strive toward and achieve.

To get there, you first need to understand and unravel yourself from your learned attachment behaviors. Success coach Alexis Artin is an expert at helping people unpick their learned belief systems and step into their power to attract the healthy relationship they deserve.

You can benefit from Alexis’s expertise in this area by listening to her ‘Make Love Meditation’ to boost your self-worth and self-love to such heights that everyone you meet can’t help but feel that way too.